


hands

by rmartin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, First Time, M/M, Top Kylo Ren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-10-03 01:45:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17274749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rmartin/pseuds/rmartin
Summary: Hell, when he was thirteen the boys at the Academy were more experienced than he is now. He grits his teeth.At least Ren is a virgin too –– right?





	1. 1.01

Hux almost chokes to death after inhaling too much air – not even thinking if such thing is possible. His DataPad falls on the sheets with the video being stopped and the buzzing sound as an only indication that he's not dreaming. His cheeks are flushed and he's out of his uniform – with just his robe on and sheets pooling around his hips.

Ren's name is continuously popping on the screen.

_– Incoming Call: Commander Ren._

Hux quickly wraps the sheets around himself – he knows he looks ridiculous even without a mirror to look into. His hair is a mess and his eyes are watery. And the worst is that the heat is pooling in the pit of his stomach won't go anywhere anytime soon. His dick is half-hard, now hidden under the sheet and the robe but otherwise Hux thinks that it would be pretty visible.

He swallows a lump in his throat and his finger hovers above the green button and he is about to press it –

 – and suddenly it's all over. His screen darkens and Ren's name is no longer popping up. Instead, he sees notification about a missed call and Hux feels as the heat in his stomach turns cold. It feels a lot like a rejection though in theory, it was him who didn't pick up at call at the right time. He is staring at the screen and willing to bring it back to life just with his mind.

Fuck – he thinks desperately – Ren does it all the time.

Instead, the video returns and he is left staring at his previous attempts to learn something more about sex – and the porn side seemed like a good idea.

 – he got comfortable on his bed, opened his robe. He was naked underneath, save for the briefs and a pair of socks on his feet. He started the video. The kissing seemed like a good start though he didn't really have anyone to practise it with and pressing his lips against the pillow and opening them like a gaping fish seemed like a crude idea. Above else, the kissing part was meant to be the easiest one. It all comes naturally in the end. Or so he was told. He started caressing himself, just simple touches of his abdomen and legs. After a while, he started to imagine it were Ren's hands.

The idea of just returning back to his touching after the missed call seems strange now. His cheeks flush when he thinks about the video he's just watched and tries to imagine himself spread on the bed – Ren come closer please. And Ren obliging his plead, moving on the bed on all fours. There is something incredibly alluring about the whole idea of lying naked with Ren pressing against him and his big hands holding Hux's hips. He thinks about pulling off his briefs and doing that thing with the finger, pushing it against his rim just the way the man in the video did. But the idea of Ren calling him – wanting to get his attention won't leave his mind.

Hux takes a hold of his DataPad and taps at Ren's name. He puts it on the table and stares at the screen – maybe he won't pick up, like a payback. And then the screen goes black and the hologram of Commander Ren unfolds, hovering in the air. The mask that usually keeps Ren's features hidden is currently residing on the table by his side and his legs are crossed. He is not wearing his usual robes either, just a plain tank top and trousers – both made of the material of the same colour. He is impatiently tapping his finger against his thigh and his eyes are bright as they stop on Hux's face.

His hologram is six inches tall and it flickers in the air. After a beat of silence, Ren speaks and his voice sounds hoarse as he does. “I see that you are still up, General.” His voice sounds softer without the vocoder to deepen it. Hux is shocked to see him like this – this human – after all those fantasies he had. He's never imagined Ren's face – or tried not to. He doesn't see it that often that he has a chance to remember Ren's features as much as he would like to. Usually, they turn blurry in his imaginations so it's easier to pretend there's only a mask – a faceless helmet and cold fingers and rough rotation of hips pulling in and out.

“Is there anything you wanted, Commander Ren?” Hux asks and freezes when he realizes what kind of tone he used. It's too cold – too impersonal. It sounds like this call bothers him more than it truly does. Ren's lips curl into a sneer and his eyes harden. That's it – the anger is radiating out of him now.

“I wanted to debrief you about my mission,” Ren's voice is no longer soft. It's dismissing. “I will send the additional information tomorrow morning.”

“How was it?” Hux blurts out. His stomach drops lower once Ren's eyes stop on him. The fantasy is immediately shattered and Hux thinks that it's better to imagine fucking a robot than a real man. And yet the feeling of longing lingers – he wants those soft touches, the press of lips against his heated skin. Or at least he thinks it will look like that.

“Don't make my mission sound like a trip.”

“I – “

“It was success,” Ren says shortly after. “I believe it answers your question, General.”

Hux presses his lips into a thin line – I don't need you. “It's rather late, Lord Ren,” he says. “Maybe we should meet and talk tomorrow.” It's a suggestion that will be forgotten by tomorrow. This is not their first conversation – and certainly will not be their last. That's what Hux tells himself every time Ren ends the call or walks past him in the corridor.

Ren leans into his seat. He never says anything – his lips stay pressed into a thin line. Hux opens up his mouth to ask – I heard there's too much sand on Jakku. How does one make a joke about sand? How does one make a good conversation?

But when the question finally leaves his lips – he finds himself starting once again at empty screen. He huffs and curses under his breath. Then throws the DataPad on the other side of the room and turns around. He buries his face into the pillows and slips out of his robe. The sheets are cool against his skin. His hand reaches on the other side of the bed and his finger brush nothing but the air and the mattress. Suddenly, he's not in mood for touching his dick or watching another video – there are always two people and Hux is alone – and in fact, sex is not that appealing when he has to imagine a willing partner.

He's twenty – seven.

 – you still have time.

Every page he's visited in past months gives the same advice. Don't rush into things – you still have time. He tells himself the same.

 – but there's a part of him that does not agree. You are a virgin and you're getting older. You father had at this age a bastard son at his neck, a kitchen maid he fucked and was married.

Hux stares in front of himself into the darkness. Most of men of his age are long married by now – and if not married, then there's at least someone keeping their bed warm. Hell, when he was thirteen the boys at the Academy were more experienced than he is now. He grits his teeth. At least Ren is a virgin too –

 – right?


	2. 1.02

Everything is prepared – his clothes are in the neat pile on the chair, the sheets are changed and clean. He even cleaned himself after days of being locked up in his office and crunching over the papers that needed his approval. For the first time, he doesn't feel the bitterness of coffee in his mouth. Hux's body is shaved – he knows that some prefer it – and others may not. It's just a guess – he cannot be sure of what Ren likes or dislikes. After all, this is just a fantasy – it will be simpler that way. No one said that Ren was to be here for Hux to have his fun. Or so he tells himself after he finds himself observing the Knight once again. Hux hates that ugly feeling of longing he cannot help but feels. Every time Ren refuses him feels like a mockery – every time Ren chooses someone else over him makes Hux want to spill blood.

It's stupid – to be jealous of Ren. To feel hurt – this man is not his and never will be. Hux needs to keep it in mind. But the dreams seems to never end – they are filled with so many details and with Ren's cock, his strong hands pushing Hux back into sheets. Hux finds himself imagining kissing and licking – doing all those things he's never done before. There simply was no time – or he wasn't desired. It hurts less now that he knows that the boys he used to love are dead or married or fat. Most of the time he is able to convince himself that such things as love don't matter. But then comes the question: What will happen after?

For Hux, there's no other life outside the First Order. He has no family – no one to return to. There is nothing – just blankness he tries to fill. Ever since he was a child he dreamt of sharing his victory with someone – he wished to have what Brendol lost. His father would certainly laugh at him now – if he saw that his son is chasing anyone who shows him even a little bit of affection. It was truly pathetic and Hux knew it was time to stop. He stopped greeting Ren anytime he saw him – he stopped telling small jokes or attempting to join the conversation – there was no point in all that. No one's ever laughed at his jokes and the conversations he usually took part in were awkward and left him feeling even worse about himself. He snapped one night and told himself that this has to stop. He convinced himself that being all alone wasn't that bad – no one would be able to betray him or hurt him in any way. Hux tried to pretend that he felt indifferent about the whole situation. He pretended that this was how the things were meant to be – calm, lonely. Suddenly, he didn't mind dining alone. Or having no one to talk to about his day – there was nothing exciting to tell anyway. Hux focused on the Starkiller – it was now the only thing he had – the only thing that was his own.

He thought he was finally happy and yet –

Yet.

Hux terribly wishes to wake up next to someone he cares about – he wishes to be hugged and cuddled and kissed. Not just on his cheeks or forehead but his lips as well – true kiss! And the more he wishes for it – the more it hurts to walk by Ren every day. It seems like the Force user doesn't know anything about Hux's ache and his behavior didn't change. He stopped calling Hux – they now only speak in the presence of the Supreme Leader Snoke or if it is absolutely necessary. Hux's fantasies are now erasing Ren's face – he is trying to imagine anyone – really anyone. It doesn't even matter if it is just a droid – with no face or some stranger he met that day. Hux imagines being fucked – being touched and kissed. On good days he prefers the term lovemaking but he never dared to mention it to anyone. If there is something that could make him look even more pathetic than he already does – it would be his fantasies about this man and things that will never happen.

Hux blames Ren for all that mess. Maybe it was Ren who caused that Hux is sitting naked on his bed. Various toys are placed around him and he is playing with a tube of lube. The mirror in front of him is put there is Hux can see everything. Right now he sees a man of his age – lonely and bony. He tries to find things Ren see when he looks at him. Maybe he is too thin? Or too small? Too smug? There is something about him that makes him different – unlike the other men – there has to be something in him – maybe in his face or maybe even deeper.

Hux lies on the bed and dips his fingers into the lube. It's cold under his fingertips and the feeling of touching it makes him sneer. He looks around but there is no one – just him. He spreads his legs – just a little and then a bit wider and finally he spreads them completely he can see as his hole twitches in the mirror. He looks obscene.

_What would your men say if they saw you like this, General? Degraded and shaking – wishing to be fucked raw. I can make you complete – only I and no one else. I can push into that tight hole and only I can feel from you from inside. Fill you up and break you apart. You are mine – and I am never letting you go._

Hux blinks. He brings his hand down and his finger gently touches his hole. He blushes – but again – there is no one to see him or to shame him. His heart sinks and he pushes the finger inside of him. He isn't sure – suddenly. He's heard stories before – but right now he doesn't feel heavenly. He feels stupid. He is lying spread on his bed with a single finger up to his ass and the sheets are dirty from lube. He thinks he should stop – maybe this was just a stupid idea. Hux thinks he doesn't like the feeling – and he feels like he did something wrong. He is supposed to be pure – his father used to say that the woman should be untouched before the marriage. It's old-fashioned and he knows it as he takes the finger out.

There is no one he should be saving himself for – he thinks that Ren wouldn't be turned on by this sentiment. Yet – he read that the first time should be special. And this is his first time of having something inside. He turns his head to the side and tries to push the finger deep into himself again. Then he starts moving it – but it's not appealing. The finger hurts him more than it brings pleasure and when he tries to add second his back arches and he moans in pain. Hux raises his head up and looks around – but there is no one. The movements of his hands halt and he takes his fingers out. Then he turns around and buries his head in the pillow. He tries to bring back the fantasy.

You dirty boy…

But it sounds so cheap – there is no real heat behind those words. He could repeat them over and over again and his cock wouldn't get hard. There is no one spooning him – touching his hair just to annoy him. There are only Ren's voice and the ghost of his lips and Hux's twitching hips but nothing else. He wishes he could stop feeling like this - it's stupid and it hurts. Hux growls. He is suddenly in the mood to kill something – anything – anything big enough to make him believe it's Ren's blood he's spilling. He sits up and spits.

Then his DataPad makes a low sound and comes back to life and he stares at the blue screen. He reads the message and stands up in hurry – putting back on his uniform. Before he leaves his quarters he washes his fingers. The lube is soon gone but the empty feeling inside of his chest won't leave him anytime soon and it gets worse as he sees Ren on the Bridge.

“Mitaka,” he calls at the dark-haired man and the Lieutenant immediately comes. “What is it?”

Mitaka grows pale. “I am sorry, sir,” he starts his explaining – not that Hux cares that much. It's a nice distraction. “Lord Ren asked me to summon you.” It's a wrong choice of words – Mitaka understands it only once he says them and Hux's eyes narrow. He doesn't like to be reminded that he doesn't have sole command of this ship and Ren's behavior is making him reckless. He turns on his heel and walks right towards the man he hates – the man he secretly desires and when he reaches him – the rage is making him blind. It's a miracle that he isn't screaming – he just nods in the direction of his office and walks there. Ren follows him but once the doors close behind him and he takes off his mask – Hux knows that the rage is gone and this was a mistake. Ren scowls.

“What is it?” he asks as if he wanted to tell Hux that he is busy. How can he be busy?

“Mitaka told me you wanted to speak with him.” He told me that you summoned me. It makes Hux angry once more and at the same time – he stares into those dark eyes and he thinks of strong hands holding him close and mouth pressing kisses against his skin. “Go on,” he prompts the Knight. “Tell me.”

Ren narrows his eyes. “I am going on a mission in a few cycles.” It's not that surprising. He's always somewhere – always away. Hux stares at him, willing him to continue. He cannot believe he's been summoned because this man – this man thinks he can tell Hux what to do and play with him like with doll.

He is ready to open his mouth – to yell at Ren and tell him to go to hell. “I want you to accompany me,” Ren says at the last moment and Hux suddenly loses the ground from underneath his feet.

“You want me to do what?!” he asks and balls his hands into fists. He is sure that he could kill Ren now if he tried to.

“Supreme Leader is not against it,” Ren says. “He thinks it could be beneficial.”

“This is my ship, Lord Ren,” he reminds him coldly. “I need to take care of it.” But Ren just waves his hand in the air.

“It will be well taken care of.”

Hux doubts it but remains silent. “Is there anything else?” he asks and knows that his voice is shaking. Ren knows he won – and Hux wants to hurt him and want to kiss him at the same time. He takes a step back and hurries back to the door – it doesn't matter that this is his office – he needs to get out. He needs to get out and return back to his bed – maybe he can try that thing with his fingers once more. It doesn't seem like there will be someone in his life in the future. So why should he save himself for someone else?

 He doesn't look at Ren. He knows his own face is red though. His cheeks are flushed – and people will talk. They always do. He snickers just to himself. They know nothing – absolutely nothing!

 

 


	3. 1.03

Hux forces the cigarette between his parted lips with such force that it jabs into his tongue and the pain he momentarily feels makes him forget about the chilling cold. With his other hand, he brings the lighter close to light up the tip of the cigarette and forces himself to inhale. 

The snow is covering the tips of his boots - and the cold colored his cheeks red. He looks like he is blushing – the blush tainting his cheeks makes him look younger – a little soldier standing in the snow. The smoke he exhales burns his lips so they turn red too. It almost looks like they are bleeding.

He turns his head to the side when he hears approaching steps. Ren has a chance to catch the expression of disdain on his face before Hux turns elsewhere, tightly holding the cigarette between his clenched fingers.

“I expected you'd be used to cold by now,” Ren taunts him as he steps closer. He is maskless – wearing civilian clothes. His dark hair is falling on his shoulder. “After all, your weapon is being built on a planet similar to this one.”

Hux shrugs. “There is a reason for that,” he says calmly – as calmly as he can. He is breaking the promise he made to himself –  _forget Ren!_ – and feels as his heart starts beating a bit faster, occasionally skipping a beat or two.

“Well,” Ren clicks his tongue – growing impatient. “If you say so.” He says something else too – but Hux doesn't listen anymore.

He is openly staring at Ren –  _he sees the passing shadows inside of his eyes and black civil clothes so similar to his robes but at the same time so different. And moles covering his skin, the locks of hair curling and brushing his shoulders as he starts moving his head in Hux's direction. Mouth opening up. Soft lips, curling and curling into the –_

_– smirk._

Hux blinks. “I asked you something, General,” Ren says roughly. The smirk manages to lift up the corners of his lips. “But perhaps you were too preoccupied to listen to me.”

Hux scowls. “Why am I here, Ren?” he asks. “Why do you need me?”

“I don't need you,” Ren says coldly, dismissingly. Hux grits his teeth – but this time not in annoyance. He wonders if Ren knows that this was a low blow. He would never admit it to anyone – not even to himself – but he needs Ren.

Just last night, he jerked himself off while thinking of a tall dark-haired man. He didn't realize he was thinking about Ren again until he accidentally moaned his name. That single memory makes him cringe in humiliation. When Ren takes his hands out of the pockets of his jacket, Hux imagines brushing the Knight's fingers with his own. Some part of him desperately wishes to reach for Ren – kiss him in the middle of the snow. Hux never dares to imagine that the world around them will explode into fireworks. He knows it doesn't work that way – there will never be any hand-holding, any kissing.

“I wanted to make this quick,” Ren speaks up again. “And you're the person who is just right for this job.” He never explains himself – and Hux finds out later that he would never agree to come here if he knew what was Ren planning.

Hux inhales the smoke for the last time. He feels when Ren's eyes stop on his face. “It's going to kill you, one day,” Ren says quietly.

Hux shrugs. “One day,” he repeats and throws the cigarette into the snow. “It sounds like it's far away from now.” But one day could turn into now – or tomorrow. Hell – he could be dead in the next hour or two. Hux shivers when the wind brushes his cheeks once more and sees as Ren narrows his eyes.

“Does it not matter to you?” Ren asks and they move together. They seem like they belong to one another – but the reality is much more complicated than finding two matching pieces. “If you live or if you die?”

The scowl that paints Hux's lips is not nice. “Why does it matter to you?” he asks and then falls silent, signalizing there is nothing else to say. But there is and they both know it. Hux believes there is no future for him – nothing that can happen in six or seven years. He will crush the Resistance and finish the Starkiller. And after that – he believes they all will be gone and he will be granted peace.

But what will happen then? Hux is aware that he is a product of war – a child raised to command armies. He does not know how a normal life looks like – he has no idea how to love someone without anything to hold him back. All he has currently is Starkiller and his inner fantasies.

He dreams of being woken up by a man whom he loves and who loves him in return. He never dares to voice out loud his inner longings. The thing is that the dream is only nice when it's a dream. Hux knows what will follow – he is afraid of giving someone his heart and having it crushed into pieces. He is afraid that he can fall in love only once and that's it – no second chances or third for that matter. Take or leave – be or not to be.

Hux never says that – but part of him envies Ren for being able to act this carelessly. He has no idea of Hux's affections – he doesn't know of what the General dreams every night.

He tried it with his fingers last night too. Hux wonders if it will be different with a partner.

_– in and out. Opening the lube. “Shh, my love. Just one moment and then it will feel incredible."_

He closes his eyes.  _My love._ That one word rings inside of his mind. Hux wants to be loved. He needs it desperately – if he could, he would put up a sign saying: I am here. Someone please come and take me!

Hux glances at Ren. “Where are we heading?” Hux asks. Ren is quiet. Then he answers:

“A drink,” he grumbles and then looks at Hux with narrowed eyes. “Are you able to hold your liquor?”

Hux presses his lips into a thin line in annoyance. “Of course,” he says, offended. He's always been forced to drink his sorrows away with others having their fun. He wonders what he did wrong then even now. Ren nods curtly and seems satisfied.

“I am here to meet someone,” he reveals in the end. Then he points his finger and Hux isn't sure what he sees in front of them until he recognizes the white building surrounded by even whiter snow. He stops walking abruptly.

“What's this?” he asks and his voice is hoarse.

“The end of the world.”

Ren smiles – for the first time he smiles at Hux and pushes him forward. As they come nearer, he finally confesses. “I had my reasons why I took you with me.”

Hux hates himself when he feels as his heart skips another beat. He patiently waits for Ren to continue. There are so many things that can happen – he feels that excitement burning under his skin. He feels a bit giddy.

“I am here to meet a man,” Ren turns to him just before they are about to enter. “And he likes redheads.” He opens the door. “You'll be great at distracting him, right?” He looks at Hux and for the first time, Hux understands that nothing between the two of them has changed. He sees nothing of burning jealousy in Ren's expression. There is no anger - simply nothing. Ren's eyes remain cold. Hux's heart sinks.

He's never been loved but it seems that he's been through quite a lot of heartbreaks. He gulps down his pain and is sure - really sure - that Ren knows. How could he not? Hux's cheeks turn red from humiliation. He wishes for things to be different - Hux knows he is an expert in making the same mistake twice. "Right," he says dully. 

 “General. After you.” 


	4. 1.04

He slaps Ren across face and stares at the reddening skin where his hand collided with Ren's cheek. Ren seems to be shocked at first – but then he smirks and grabs Hux's resisting hand and brings it close towards his chest. Hux frowns and feels as his face heats up – his cheeks turn red.

“Ren!” he warns the Knight but his struggling stop altogether once the crowd swallows them whole. Ren is moving swiftly – like he knows where he's heading to like he knows this place. The jealousy that momentary blinds Hux allows him to ignore Ren's long fingers still wrapped around his wrist. He snaps out of it once they are seated and he hears Ren's voice asking him what he wants to drink. “Whiskey,” Hux automatically answers – even though he doesn't actually like it and Ren orders the same for himself.

“Let go of me,” Hux whispers quietly and he is surprised that Ren is able to hear him in all that noise. Ren's fingers twitch as if he was savoring the moment and the finally lets Hux go and places both of his arms on the table, palms down. “You are blushing,” he observes Hux with cold eyes – expressionless, cold, uninviting. Hux bites his lower lip. The warmth is gone and he feels emptier than he did before. Out of spite, he turns his head to the side and ignores Ren's comment. “Who are we waiting for?” he asks instead and stares at the crowd. Hux wants to return back on the ship. He misses the familiar hum of the engines under his feet. In fact – he cannot tell when was the last time he left _Finalizer_ like this. Of course, Hux is the General – it basically means that he could leave anytime he wanted and then come back only if he was needed. But where would he go? There is no place in the galaxy where he would feel less alone than he does when he's lying in his own bed, trying to masturbate or to touch himself just to feel something – anything really.

Hux scans the crowd. He sees men and women – dark eyed, dark haired, blonde haired but there's never the red color. There are not many humanoid redheads in the galaxy – and yet Hux doesn't feel special because of his unusual hair color. He could ask anyone out - or have some fun in the bathroom. He could go on one of those leaves he has and find a suitable partner. Sex doesn't need to be about love and yet Hux feels like he could never sleep with anyone he doesn't feel anything for. What would be the point of the sex then? If he wanted someone's dick inside of him just for fun, he could put inside of himself a dildo he bought for himself in hopes of finding pleasure. There is perhaps – no difference between the dildo and the real man's dick after all.

“He'll be here soon,” Ren says.

“What do you expect me to do?” Hux asks and a sudden thought crosses his mind. His stomach turns upside-down. He is suddenly very aware of why Ren took him here. Hux looks at the Knight and wants to tell him that he is not good at playing at this games. He could never seduce anyone even if his life depended on it – hell, if he could he wouldn't spend his free time watching porn and touching himself all while imagining that he is fucked by faceless men.

Ren frowns when he catches the expression that appears on Hux's face but doesn't say anything until he takes the first sip of his drink. “I won't force you.”

Hux blinks – not because Ren's words surprise him but because he is shocked how carelessly Ren says it. _Fuck or simply don't fuck. Why should I care?_ Hux's heart sinks and he looks down at the drink he's currently holding and puts it on the table. “How unexpected,” he murmurs just to fill in the silence that hangs between the two of them. “I thought the way of violence was your way.” Hux's temper flares. “I thought you wanted to use me like some whore,” he says and pushes his glass away. “I've never agreed to any of this – I am not – !”

Ren calmly watches him, indifferent to his anger. “Of course, you aren't,” he says. “I know you aren't a whore, General. The entire ship knows it.” There is that cruel smile again – as if he wanted to tell Hux – I know everything. I know you.

Hux gulps. “I've never taken you for a man who believes in childish rumors.”

“But those aren't rumors, are they?” Ren asks. “No. I don't think so. You really are a virgin.”

“And you?” Hux barks out in panic. “Are you not a virgin?” He already feels like a cornered animal – so he fights with all he has. He wants to make Ren feel humiliated. He wants to hurt him.

To his surprise, Ren laughs. “Me?” he asks. “No. I thought you kept track of how many of your Officers I fucked – truth to be told, they all are obedient servants to the Order – but they all talk. Imagine my surprise, when I found out that the mighty General Hux's never had a cock up to his ass. Are you up to some real challenge?” he asks and leans closer. If Hux wanted to, he could kiss him. Just press their lips together – but he doesn't do it. He has no idea how to kiss - he's never been kissed before. And Ren knows – fuck – he always knows. It takes Hux a moment to fully understand what Ren means.

He pulls away with a scowl. “You are making fun of me.” Instead of anger, he feels only humiliation. He wonders if Ren knows – knows everything about Hux's dreams, about his fingers.

_I thought of you –_ Hux wants to say – _I thought that you and I were the same._

But he sees the answer in Ren's eyes. They are so cold – so dark. He's trying to find the man he's been dreaming about – but he finds no gentle eyes, no lovely smile. He sees only anger and hatred – he sees the way Ren sees him and his stomach sinks.

“Well,” he says. “I was wrong.” He suddenly hates that beautiful face – hates it more than he hated his father. How dares he? How dares Ren to mock him like this? Hux's hand slips down and brushes his blaster now safely tucked behind his belt. Stand up – raise your weapon – and then pull and pull – pull the trigger and see them dying. To calm himself down, he sees Ren's face – all bloody and beaten up. He sees himself standing over Ren's corpse. He is observing it with indifference too.

“Fuck this,” he murmurs and stands up. He looks around and as he is about to step away from the table, Ren grabs the sleeve of his jacket and pulls him closer.

“Where are you going, Hux?” he hisses.

Hux shrugs. He is angry – he wants to burn the world down. “I am done with this stupid little game. People come to such places to fuck – I should do the same. I should find someone to fuck, fuck, fuck.” He knows he's babbling. Ren strangely looks at him and only now Hux realizes that tears are rolling down his cheeks. He takes a step back and Ren finally lets him go. He seems hesitant but he never says anything – and so Hux turns around and walks right into the crowd.

**Author's Note:**

> I am not very good at writing but I am trying to learn to do better. So thank you for reading this-!


End file.
